So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
