The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
