i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
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He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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