The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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