I wish I only lived at night.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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