Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
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we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
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She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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