i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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