I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Holy sore nipples Batman
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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