I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
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