you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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