Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
