I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
