I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it