bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
