After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
