Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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