I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you inspire me to be a worse person
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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