ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
