i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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