They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
