how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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