I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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