im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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