Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
