All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
