awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
