apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
