Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
