so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
