okay pat passed out under dana's car
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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