Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize