can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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