chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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