I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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