No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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