I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
