Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
