I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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