do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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