In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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