The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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