I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
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I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
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Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.