I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis