We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.