i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
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I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
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As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?