Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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