Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
