WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
