$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
