I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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