She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
are you so shy because you have an std?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
