dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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