Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
