wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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