I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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