I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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